Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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