One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Drunk is not a location!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
