I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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