I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
