Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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