It's Friday. Sex?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
