my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
