She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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