I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Acid is not a monday night drug
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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