Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
