Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
