What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
zippers are such a cool invention
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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