The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
