Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
