I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
