The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize