I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
