My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
