You're so nebulous sometimes
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
