there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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