Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
