im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
