life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
try to milk me bitch
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