I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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