Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
