my mouth tastes like poor choices
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Randomize
