I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
