She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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