can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
