have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
