last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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