How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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