That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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