we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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