just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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