one two three fourrrrnication!
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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