Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
