stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
