Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
