How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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