Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
