I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
