Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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