Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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