apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
