Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
