Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
