In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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