foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
