I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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