I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
