So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
