No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
