How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I wish there were birth control emojis
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
