I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
